There is no Reward in being Yourself (or is there?)

When we come into this world, we come into it without an idea of ourselves. There’s no ‘thinking space’ to calculate our behavior and ponder things over. There’s only the direct expression of what is here, and a limited way of communicating what is here because everyone else that you depend on is communicating on another level, and you’ve not yet learnt the construct as language to make yourself be heard by others. As babies our communication is not actually limited. I would dare to say that is actually more capable of complex transfer of words and ideas than we are capable of through our language. It can be easy to say ‘but language is the only way to communicate’ – yet the animal kingdom clearly shows us: this is not so. It is only that we have separated ourselves from what is here as physical reality that we have lost access to that level of communication. The baby, like the animal, is communicating – but we’re not present as ourselves in that aspect of reality so we think and believe it does not exist. Now it is up to the baby to go through a painstakingly slow process of learning ‘our way of communication’ to make itself heard and be part of the ‘reality of humans’

We can cry and scream for something we need, and our parents, clueless to what we need as they are not clued in to physical reality – go through what they think, believe and perceive ‘you may need’ based on their own limited thinking. Whatever you need, is not being met and most of the time – you get punished for it, as your way of communication and your needs are ‘messing up’ and ‘inconveniencing’ their established reality. Soon enough, you give up – because whenever you are being yourself and expressing what’s here for you, you’re not met. You could say that this is pretty much the conception of gaslighting. Not that your parents are deliberately trying to gaslight you and make me you question your reality and sanity, it’s just that you are living in two different realities at the same time. Your reality does not make sense to them, and their reality does not make sense to you.

This puts us in a difficult situations. Because there’s the physical reality you’re in, which your parents bodies are also occupying while they live mostly through their minds. And you need these physical bodies, to do things for you, so that you can survive. But you don’t speak the same language. So now we start coping, we start adapting, we observe and learn what type of stimulation our parents respond and which ones they don’t and which ones invite undesirable consequence. We now have to create a ‘thinking space’ and no longer express ourselves directly, cause that’s falling on deaf ears. The baby who would be screaming cause he is hungry and being ignored ‘because he can’t possibly still be hungry’ learns that when he can say his first words and say he is hungry, but mommy ignores him because she thinks he must be making it up – he learns that when he says ‘mommy doesn’t love me’ that suddenly his mother springs into action because he’s hurt her feelings and she wants to reinstate a feeling ‘good’ about herself again. What we learn is the language and reality of emotions and feelings, that people do not respond to what is here as physical reality , unless you can create, spike or ignite some positive or negative feeling in their emotional body that incentivizes them to do something.

The unfortunate side effect here, is that as we get more proficient in this language of the mind as the plane of existence our parents and everyone else is stuck in (and mind you, it’s not even a shared plane of existence, within this overlay everyone has their own ‘personal bubble’ of what they think, perceive, believe and feel reality is like – which is why even though adults live and all speak through the mind – they still can’t get to a point of agreement and keep fighting each other) – we start to lose ourselves within it, internalize it, make it our own and forget that there was ever a different aspect of reality as the ONE HERE we were part of.

Amnesia sets in and we believe this is all we ever were and all we will ever be. Victims to pain and pleasure, victims to desire and fear.

Then, if by some fortunate circumstance we start to question our reality and ourselves, we may find ourselves wanting to ‘get back home’, get back to physical reality. You change your own relationship to negative and positive stimulus, you start questioning why you behave the way you do, how come there is so much separation and conflict and realize it comes from living and operating through the mind as a separate plane of existence and decide to get back to Earth, the Physical.

But then… The same thing happens again. People start turning against you, fight you, abandon you, ignore you, neglect you – and still – you are dependent on other people to live on this world. Just like when you were a baby. And now you start questioning yourself again. Is it really worth it? There’s no reward here. I just become another blind spot in people’s existence, I’m all alone – “again”. Not that it’s really ‘again’ cause you were already alone, you just didn’t ‘feel it’ because you had others who were in agreement with you, even if it was an illusion (= ill vision) you agreed upon.

It is hard to walk this journey to Life, to our way back Home when there’s very little other people ‘home’, and the few people you are sharing the journey with are also still figuring out the path. Where we’re all still busy seeing and exploring what leads us Home and what we thought would lead us Home, only to take us deeper into the Mind — and then start again.

There’s not really many people who hear you, see you, and agree with you – that confirm: you are not insane. That what we have perceived as sane has really just been the shared illusion and delusion we bought into. And yet, there was no real peace found there either. And so it is easy to sit on the fence, to have one foot in the one reality and one in the other. Yet, this leaves you nowhere in particular. Cause you never really get to ‘be here’ and ‘see the real you’, the ‘physical you’, cause you keep having a vested interest in still being a part of and living within and through the mind reality. And you never really get to know, live and explore what it is like to be here as physical reality, to be here as everything. To see yourself within everything, to care for everything and everyone equal as and to yourself. At the same time, you’re not succeeding and ‘getting anywhere’ in the mind reality either – you’re in a lose-lose position.

That’s where I have to remind myself that “no one will come to prove you but yourself”. You may not ever get any ‘rewards’ for you self realizing yourself in the form of other people hearing, seeing, recognizing you and agreeing with you – because it’s not about getting that external reward. You have to truly do it for yourself. You have to Re-Ward yourself , place yourself back as the Warden of your Life, of Life itself. The Guardian and Keeper of Life.

Right now, there’s not many people Home as the Here of Physical Reality. But even so, wouldn’t it be nice to already start populating this Home for those still on the journey, for those yet to make the decision to embark on the journey, for those yet to come?

The Abuse-Detection-System

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a ‘Abuse Detection System’ where I am constantly and continuously looking out for Abuse – but not any type of Abuse – Abuse as Harm / Hurt that I experienced as a child as Trauma where I’ve locked down on certain variables from memories such as sounds and certain visuals where I have created a hypersensitivity to catch, detect and match any similar or closely similar variables in my current reality – to be able to ‘catch’ and ‘prevent’ possible abuse coming my way early on so I can ‘make a plan’ and be ‘one step ahead’ from the perceived abusers – perceiving and believing that this mechanism I’ve constructed actually protects me and serves me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my definition of Abuse is linked / tied to very specific memories as a very specific ‘type of abuse’ that affected me, personally and deeply – where my whole purpose and whole existence is geared towards early detection of ‘this particular type of Abuse’ – which is not seen and realized by myself, as I perceive and believe that I am honestly, deeply and genuinely ‘looking out for myself’ and ‘making a stand against abuse’ as ‘ALL ABUSE’ – not seeing and realizing that Abuse exists in many different ways, in many different forms – and the fact that I have created a Harm Detection System only for the type of Abuse ‘I went through’ – shows that I am not in fact interested in stopping and preventing all Abuse, but have an agenda to prevent ‘Abuse that was done to me’ specifically, as an event that I decided ‘I cannot deal / handle it’ and so have to ‘prevent myself from being in a similar situation again’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by focusing and obsessing about one type of abuse as the abuse that’s connected to my memories – I in fact become the abuser as I am no longer Here in Physical Reality, as I am constantly in my Head trying to see if ‘current reality’ matches ‘past reality’ – JUST IN CASE – where I will even project and overlay my opinion and interpretations of ‘what I think is Happening’ and how I ‘suspect it’s the same abuse again’ over actual Physical Reality and the People around me – where I will insist that ‘they are abusing me’ because I need to validate my Abuse Detection System, I need to justify it’s funding as all the Energy Resources that’s being spent on it, I have to justify why I am being in constant Fear – and so I ‘have to make the Abuse real’ by acting, speaking and writing in a way that makes others seem as being Abusers and myself as the Victim – within this not Seeing Me, not Seeing Them and imprisoning myself and others to my Mind Reality – where my Fear of Abuse makes me the Abuser because I am incapable of being Here as a Participant in Reality – With my Abuse Radar Goggles locked in only One Particular Target as a Past Memory – While all the while Blind to my Surroundings and Trampling everyone else in my Crusade

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Trust my Fear as an Early Warning Detection System – where I feel safe, comfortable and familiar within the Sea of Fear – believing that it gives me ‘Extra Awareness’ and ‘Extra Control’ – not seeing and realizing that it is the very thing that Blinds me where Abuse can hit me in the Face or I am Abusing another and it won’t be Registered in Any-Way-Whatsoever – simply because it’s not part of my ‘Fear Reference’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that to make an actual Stand and Statement to ‘Stop Abuse’ – the opposite is required of me – which is to step out of Fear in every single moment – to be Here as a Participant in Reality as opposed to an Observer and actually get to know myself and my Physical Reality to see what constitutes ‘Real Abuse’ and ‘Real Solutions’ instead of My Mind’s version of Abuse as being Dependent on ‘what makes me feel good and what makes me feel bad’

The Split of Self – the Shadow and the Light

During this Corona Virus time – there’s a lot circulating from various channels how the current situation we see facing is the result and manifested consequence of our Individual and Collective Shadow Self. But Shadows don’t exist alone. For a Shadow to to exist, you first need an object/subject (sp)lit by Light. You have a Trinity of the Self, the Light and the Dark.

When working with our Shadow Self, with needs to address our Light Self as well.

The issues as the consequences we’re facing today, are not new ones. Neither is the Source from which those consequences were born. What’s bubbling up and emerging in our Modern Times is as old as Time itself. It’s always been about Us, the Individual and the Collective (which consists of individuals). It’s always been – the Split of Self.

We’ve never really Understood ourselves, who we really are and who we can be – when we do fully realize ourselves. We took something that is inherently Whole, inherently One – and divided the indivisible in an attempt to see ourselves, to understand ourselves.

Why is it indivisible – if we’ve managed to divide it, split it, cleave it? Because despite of our decision to make this incision – we’re being brought over and over again into situations that prompt us to look at our Unity – our Oneness and Equality. Of which the Corona Virus – is another result and demonstrates our Oneness clearly. We can’t be stopped from realizing our inherent Oneness and Equality with ourselves and one another – just as we can’t stop water from flowing down to the lowest point and merging with the Ocean. It’s what water is, it’s what water does.

There’s no ‘having an opinion about it’, it’s simply the Law and Truth of this Reality.

We can try and contain it, we can try and stop it, but sooner or later – the water will return to its source. We can let the water return to its source unencumbered, allowing the inevitable to play out with ease and flow. Or we can put in dams, try and store it in bottles, trap it – yet sooner or later – it will go back to source. We can postpone the inevitable, we can fight it – for sure – that’s our peculiar Achilles Heel: Our Will as both our Weakness and Strength.

But why fight the inevitable. Why put in all that time, blood, sweat and tears – the result will be the same. It’s just take longer. It will only extend our longing – for ourselves.

And like water, we are flexible. We adapt, we change states and phases – we can take a lot. But we don’t have to. They – those living in the Shadow side of the World – don’t have to. If only we, who live on the side of the Light – are willing to give up our Light – and let the Shadow dissolve with it.

We live in the Light of Self Interest. Even the Darkness of Night cannot dim our skyscraper lit cities where we bask in the Light of Energy, bask in the Light of Digital Numbers in our bank accounts, bask in the Light of Shimmering and Glittering Coins Locked and Saved away – fervently being traded in Stock Markets to create more Numbers, More Light! For what? To what end? To create Deeper and Starker Shadows? To Separate ‘Us’ from ‘Them’?

But we can’t be Separated. What affects you, affects me. What affects China, affects the USA. We’re all in this together. The more we try to deny this, the more we try to get higher and away from the inevitable – the harder we’ll crash and fall.

Before we start Blaming the Global Economy and the ‘Powers that Be’ – let’s take it a bit closer to home.

We have our Bodies, the very Manifestation of Oneness and Equality – A Whole, Functioning Unit – where every Part takes care of every other Part – knowing full well, that this Body cannot be Whole, Cannot be Sustained – unless every parts plays its role to the best of its ability – where there’s a Giving and Receiving from every Part. That every part together, as One – is greater than all the individual parts. That something greater, something more comes into Being. But what do we do with ourselves? What do we do with our bodies? We feed it, only to Mine it – use the Life Blood within us to generate the Light within us as our Imaginations, Fantasies, Inner Dialogues and Quarrels. Intense Emotional Reactions and Outbursts. We Blame the Stock Market for its Volatility and Unsustainability – yet do not take note and account of our own Inner Volatility – of the Ups and Downs, Lefts and Rights – always moving, always chasing. One second Happy, one second Sad – so in Love then so in Hate.

For what? To have more Energy? To make up more Soap Operas in our Heads? (Haven’t you noticed, nothing new’s coming out on TV – we’ve seen it all – there’s nothing new to expect) To tangle us more in the Web of Lies we’ve Spun for Ourselves? To drain our Body’s Resources into a Feverish Crisis, just like we’re doing with Earth – to Die – and then what? What do we have to Show for ourselves? This Show will End – and we still have time to Reconsider the Ending and Edit our Scripts. Will we have a Deadly Silence when the Curtains close – or a Standing Ovation as a Testament to our Resurrection.

To be continued

Every Moment, Every Word – a Seed

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my existence is Breath by Breath and within that, that Every Thought I have is a Choice, that every Word I write is a Choice, that every Word I speak is Choice, every point I Act on is a Choice and Reflects Who I Am and who I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Be and Become

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I Choose my Words on a Thought Level that I am preparing and priming myself as my Human Physical Body to start automating this thought on a Physical Level where it becomes Automated Behaviour

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that within the varying degrees of Matter – from Dimensionality to Physically Manifest between the First Thought and Me Acting Out the Thought as if ‘it is fact’ I have various opportunities to Stop myself and what I am putting in Motion – and despite having many opportunities to Check and Stop myself and put a Guard in front of my Words whether at the Cultivation or Living of the Words – I do not stop and claim that I cannot stop which is not the Truth

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that once I reach the point where I Write, Speak or Act and Insert my Mind Reality within the Shared Physical Reality with others – I am doing it with Full Intent and Full Knowledge

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that in the Confines of my Mind I still have a Space of Grace to Stop myself and investigate what I am creating and assess the Consequences of my Creation and whether this is something I want to Insert and Put in Motion in my World Reality – and that once it Reaches a Physical Stage where I Write, Speak and Act on it there is Consequence that cannot be Stopped

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I insert my Mind Creation into Living Application by Writing, Speaking and Acting it out – I may activate the Patterns that Exist in others by them Reading, Seeing or Hearing it – where yes they are Responsible for themselves because it Exists within them – but where I also activated it without Taking Responsibility to Ensure that they are able to Assist and Support themselves to Remove it from Themselves

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I Activate Mind Patterns within others and do not offer Solutions and Direction, do not take Responsibility – implies I intent to do Harm and therefore the Consequence becomes measurably mine.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the One Thing that Determines Everything About Me, my Total Process and everything that happens is the Choices I make within Thought, Word and Deed – within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be aware of and observe the Choices I make within every single Moment to ascertain what it is I am Impulsion and Creating and whether or not the Living Application of my Choices results in what is Best for All Life or only intent to Harm and Protect my Self Interest

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be aware of the Choices I am Making and am Revealing to myself when I Write, Speak and Act – as these Physical Choices are my indication of the Choices I have impulsed and programmed overtime to become Automatic Behaviour and the Main Determinant of what I am Solidifying / Making Manifest within Physical Reality that will override any intent or want on an Internal Level because the Choices made Physically Manifest still have Authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the consequence of my choices on every level of Thinking, Writing, Speaking and Acting – Where I plant Seeds because in the Moment it ‘Feels Good’ and ‘Feels Right’ and then turn away / walk away as if nothing of Consequence happened while in the meantime the Seed takes Root and Turns into a Tree with many Branches that keep Splitting and grows more Fruit with more Seeds to Spread – as Every Person affected by the Consequence in turn Affects Others – within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that Ignoring Consequence is Ignorance

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that Words are Seeds that get Planted and Grow – and depending on the Purity of my Seed, assessed by the Living Expression and Consequence of Each Word Lived – within the Realization that the Tree is already Embedded within the Seed – I can asses what Trees I am planting on this Planet

Within this – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have disconnected within myself the Tree from the Seed, the Consequence from the Action/Word – where I am constantly sowing and creating Gardens and then become ‘baffled’ at what has suddenly sprung up in my Garden  as if I had ‘no idea’ and am Ignorant to the implications and creational timelines of my Words within Thinking, Writing, Speaking and Acting

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be meticulous with the Seeds as Words that I sow and grow and to meticulously and specifically inspect the Properties of each Seed to make sure it is up to Standard as the Standard I want to see Manifest within myself and the World as what is Best for All Life

Inspired By:

Fear of Intimacy – Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself as what is here for me, within what I see within myself – out of fear of being ridiculed, humiliated and embarrassed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ridicule, humiliation and embarrassment as that which changes and adjusts my self-concept and self-definition – where in the past when having shared aspects of myself I was met with ridicule and humiliation from others, where I experienced this as ‘oh shit, I didn’t get “the memo” that this was not acceptable’ and then quickly tried to erase / suppress those aspects of myself so that I can once more ‘fit in’ and not be questioned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame those who have met me with ridicule and humiliation – believing and perceiving that ‘they were the problem’ and ‘if only they had not responded to me in this way I would have been fine with myself’ – not seeing and realizing that their words would only have been able to find lodging in my heart if there was not already a nest prepared for them

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have set myself up to be malleable from the get-go, to have made the decision and commitment to change and adulterate (interesting how that has the word adult in it!) myself and to do whatever it takes to ‘make my world work’, to ‘be accepted and ensure my survival’ – where I perceived and believed I was playing ‘the game right’ and ‘doing all the right things’ – only to ‘fall on my face’ in moments of ridicule and humiliation that ‘maybe I don’t quite know what I am doing’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself as my into-me-I-see out of fear of how another will react and fearing that I will not be able to direct / walk their reaction with them – where it pains me to not share myself out of fear of another’s reaction and having to be aware of this conflict the whole time, where I then ‘shut down’ my into-me-I-see so that there’s nothing to ‘see’ and so ‘nothing to share’ and now everything is apparently okay and harmonious

Within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to walk the process of learning how to share and how to work with how another reacts or responds to how I share rather than assuming that ‘this is a dead end road, no use, no point – just give up’ – not seeing and realizing that in that moment I am deciding to give up on myself as well as the other that ‘we will never change / grow or expand’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I fear another’s reactions I am fearing myself and my mind within another and only indicates to what extent I have / haven’t established myself as the directive principle and authority within myself and my mind – where I will not venture into any area with another where I know ‘I am not established there’ – where it is easier to blame the other person, to say that ‘they’re too much’, ‘they’re making it hard on me’ – instead of owning up to the fact that I have insufficient experience and authority within the nature of that reaction – regardless of who it resides in, as it’s not about ‘who is reacting’ but the reaction and energy signature itself

Within this – I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to sea and realise, that for the longest time, we’ve not had trained captains to navigate the sea of emotions and feelings – where when I’ve opened up to people such as my parents, family, friends about what goes on me – I took it personal that I was being ‘shut down’ – believing and perceiving that this was personal to me – instead of seeing and realizing that no one wants own up and acknowledge their shortcomings, where we’ve been here for thousands of years as people, as humans, yet in so many ways are still ‘learning how to crawl’ which really is quite sad – and so its easier to pretend that we’re qualified, that we know what we’re doing by shutting anything down that triggers the truth that this is not the case – where we start to believe our own story that just because we’re not crashing our ship into the cliffs that ‘we know how to sail’ – but just because we have some skill at not utterly and totally destroying ourselves does not attest to our greatness in creating and living a dignified, fulfilled life for ourselves and others – it only means we’re not quite 100% great at killing ourselves, it doesn’t mean we know what it means ‘to live’

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal that I have not yet established myself as the directive principle / authority in all aspects of me and my world – where I rather suppress, deny and avoid looking at things to keep up ‘appearances’ which only prolongs my process and so within this is I commit myself to the direct path which is the path of self-responsibility

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut other people down when they are open and vulnerable about how they truly experience themselves, where I see and realise that I don’t have an actual issue with what they are going through, but that I feel powerless, helpless and directionless about what they are going through – which I feel powerless, helpless and directionless with inside myself – and instead of acknowledging and owning up to it – I judge myself, that I should ‘know better’ – which I know, is also not the point to ‘feel bad’ and ‘punish myself’, where I then take another wrong turn and judge them, shut them down as a statement of ‘no, I am not the bad person here, you are! You need to get a grip on yourself and control yourself!’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the fear of myself as the mind, as those parts I have not established directive principle – become so disconnected with myself that when other people go through things I will say things like ‘I don’t understand what they’re doing / going through’, ‘I just don’t get how / why they would do / say / act that way’, ‘their behavior baffles me’ – while all the while I can’t be bothered to really understand them because I can’t be bothered to truly understand myself and so rather make them look like the crazy / loony person so that I can fool myself in getting away with my lack of self-intimacy and self-commitment and care

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself, all of myself, including my thoughts, feelings and emotions, reactions, unconscious behaviours – as they are my compass showing / indicating to me where I have not clearly defined and created myself  — where the longer I push these aspects of myself away, the longer I am insisting on being a lesser version of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disconnect within myself to what honestly goes on inside me, and so disconnect myself from any solution or improved direction – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘live on the surface’ where I am not only disconnected with myself but disconnected from others too – where when I interact with another, the less I see of them and the more I am only experiencing them as a memory / relationship in my mind – which tends to create more conflict which then reinforces the idea / belief within me that people / sharing is not safe and all it brings is more conflict

Within this I commit myself to when I go into a reaction about communication / sharing with another or even just looking into myself – to remind myself that it is not about the person, but my relationship to what I am seeing / looking at / want to share – that I don’t have to ‘get away’ from the person or moment, but need to allow myself to drop into the experience, understand it and let it go / direct it to the best of my ability

Fear of Intimacy – Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear intimacy within myself and another as myself within the fear of rejection and disapproval

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear intimacy within myself and another as myself – towards and within both aspects of me, as that which I admire and approve of within myself that I see are serving me and others as myself — as well as those aspects that I know are not benefiting me and others, and need to change. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to acknowledge that within me, that I see as beneficial to myself and others, within the fear that another will not agree and within this fear me doubting myself and taking this part of me and disregarding it – where I believe and perceive that another’s perspective / feedback trumps my own and that it does not matter if I see myself as those aspects, if another does not agree / validate what I see I throw it all out of the window and succumb to defeat and powerlessness within the experience of ‘not being seen’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear intimacy within myself and with another as myself where I believe and perceive that if I share those aspects of me that I know are not beneficial and do not yet honour myself and others as what is best for All Life – that I will be defined and labelled by those aspects only, where I am seen by others, as well as myself as ‘only these aspects’ and ‘only these dimensions’ – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined and so diminished others based on aspects of themselves that either came through in living or in direct sharing, where within my own lack of understanding, patience and caring – rather quickly slapped a label on someone so that I ‘know who and how to be around them’, as a form of abdicating self-responsibility as walking and interacting with another moment by moment – because it’s ‘easier’ to label them and act from this knowledge and information to base my decisions and interactions, instead of moving myself into the substance of the moment, the substance of me, the substance of them – to be really HERE and so really HEAR myself and another. Within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that casting any judgment – on myself or another as myself – is an act of defeat, is a decision that ‘I cannot be more, nor can you – so let’s not bother – let’s just place one another in a box and run on automatic pilot while being on a consciousness buzz / high’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if something is seen by me and not everyone else, where if even just one person disagrees, I believe that their stance and perspective obliterates my existence, where I then go into an experience of WANTING and NEEDING validation to cast away my own self doubt

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I need to be okay with my own independent assessment and seeing – where I can use other’s feedback as a point of cross reference, where it’s not about accepting or rejecting what another says, but to take my own and another’s perspective / feedback and use discernment as to what applies to me and what not, to apply and live both self-humbleness and self-assurance – lol – which can exist and co-exist with one another in the same space, where I accept and allow myself to evaluate myself humbly for anything that may need / require some aligning but to at the same time stand and hold my own self integrity, that I know who I am and what I act / live out in certain moments and to not allow myself to ‘collapse’ under feedback or perspective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking / sharing my current inner-reality ‘as is’ – as ‘this is what is here for me’ without judging or embellishing it within the fear that another will go into either judgment or embellishment, turn my words into ‘something that it’s not’ and then have this mutated / warped version used and applied towards myself ‘as fact’ – where I rather protect and defend my inner reality as ‘what is here for me’ and forgo the opportunity for outside perspective and expansion out of fear of being misunderstood or using my sharing as collateral for a later date when it’s needed to have some ‘ammo’ to ‘put me back in my place’

Within this – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to either ‘pre-judge’ or ‘pre-embellish’ what I share as my point of intimacy to implicitly show ‘here’s what’s going on with me, and don’t worry I’ve already judged, punished and beaten myself down for it, I’ve already taken care of that part so you don’t have to do it’ – within the anticipation that I will get judged, I will be rejected, I will be outcasted and to alternatively share myself with pre-embellishment as to make myself feel better and to lift my spirits to make things ‘not look so bad’ and ‘what’s here for me is really not that serious’ – to show another that ‘what I am sharing is no big deal’ out of fear that they will shift their mood from being positive or neutral to one of more seriousness and depth, a fear and anticipation that ‘they will be bothered’ and also gives me license to not look at the point seriously, skim over it, it’s not that bad, doesn’t really require any attention for me to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing my intimacy, my into me I see as what I see is currently here for me with another – where I am already within a dimension of judgment towards myself as what I see is here for me, and within that, do not want to share my intimacy with another out of fear that they will give me their judgment as well, where I fear my judgment + their judgment – where I’m now facing judgment within and without – where there’s now judgment within two or more in the name of Consciousness where I find myself standing in the face of a Colossus as our judgments twine together and grow to another level, where I just want to avoid and get away from this entity creeping in, which given, was already there and now just got enhanced, highlighted and amplified – where I don’t even want to address or bother to continue sharing my initial point, because the Judgment Colossus takes over and overpowers, overshadows everything

Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am then never dealing with a point in Isolation, but working with ‘the point’ + ‘my relationship to the point’ (= positive or negative judgment) and that I am going to have to be okay in working and addressing both simultaneously – and not allow the dimension or layer of judgment to hold me back as an excuse from looking and / or sharing something

In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that ‘another possibly judging me’ is not always valid reason to not share / express myself (have to use some discernment still as to who and where I share with) – as I see, realise and understand that when my judgment meets another’s judgment, the friction, the energy compounds – the conflict reaches a peak, and in a sense is easier to see the ridicule, the irrationality of the judgment itself once it’s blown up ‘out of proportion’ – where it’s not even out of proportion, but blown up to a level where I can really see what I am doing to myself, where I really see what I am accepting and allowing within this, where it’s easier to stop tolerating my own bullshit and move myself into a more sound stance within myself, where my own self judgment exists on a level of nagging which I can tolerate, but when paired and combined with another’s judgment it expands into bullying and bulldozing where I am now given the opportunity to awaken and ask myself : Is this really what I want? Cause this is the signature I am accepting, and it’s just a matter of scale

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I do not fear intimacy and intimate sharing as such, but fear everything I’ve connected, built and created ‘around it’

At War with Manifested Consequence – at War with Myself

In my previous posts I took on my relationship to correcting mistakes, which I am still very much walking. To clarify, I’m using mistakes in a broad sense of mis-takes. Where you had a take, you had an opportunity for something, but you let it slide, or didn’t create the optimal conditions for that particular instance or scenario.

Now, I’ve been banging my head (I wish I could say I just ‘looked’ and ‘introspected – but got to be honest, it wasn’t all that graceful) with the term Manifested Consequence.

Every action has a reaction, every input an output. Every initiation has a consequence.

Hence – Manifested Consequence.

This is where the results of your actions have manifested themselves that it’s ‘too late’ to do something about it or prevent it, it’s already here.

Like smacking a vase with a hammer. You can maybe glue it back together, but it’s not going to be the same vase. There’s going to be weaknesses, you can then learn not to smack other vases, but the other one’s going to forever show what you did with it.

When you cheat on someone, when you’re dishonest and relationships get damaged – there is no ‘going back to how things were before’. You can’t undo that act. You can introspect as to why you did what you did, and make the necessary changes within you so you don’t repeat it again – but the people or person involved may not want to have anything to do with you anymore. Maybe they forgive you, but it doesn’t erase the act. You’re all different people know – even if you let go and change.

Some Manifested Consequences are generational – like our economic system, political affairs, ecological collapse. You can’t go ‘I want a perfect beautiful planet with everyone living in harmony and I want it now!!’ We can work towards a better future, but we can’t save all of the thousands if not millions of people and animals suffering and dying, right now. That’s our Manifested Consequence. That’s our cross to bear.

What I found in the past few weeks, is that I can get really caught up in Manifested Consequence. Where something is ‘too late’, ‘already done’ , ‘got to face the music’ type of scenarios. I will squirm and pull and whine and tear at it, to try and make it go away. That this whole thing, is just so unfucking fair. That this shouldn’t be here. Where I’m focusing all my time and energy on trying to move or even just shake –  a solid wall that’s not gonna go anywhere. While in the meantime being surrounded by so many things that could use my attention, things that I can affect and change that slip me by completely.

Which is exactly the point I had missed. One evening in breaking my head over how I could possible change or reverse something, I was just feeling more and more and more at a loss. I felt shittier by the thought. While doing Self Forgiveness on believing that I ‘cannot affect a change on this’ and my disempowerment in relation to the Manifested Consequence (hoping I would gain some trust and confidence) – the pressure inside only compounded. My eyes fill up and I was ready to break down – when I asked myself ‘What’s the real point? Cause THIS is not IT’

In my forgiveness, I was more and more trying to dissolve the Manifested Consequence through forgiveness, to try and ‘forgive it away’. But that’s just not possible. I saw that there were things I could do to ameliorate the situation for myself, to do things different from now on – but even there, I didn’t even want to go there – unless I knew it was going to be absolutely reversible. That’s when I realized how very conditional I had been in many of my applications. Where I would change, push and do things – but only cause in the back of my mind I have a clearly defined result that I’m expecting to get back from it.

I had been so angry and frustrated at this wall that wouldn’t move, not even shake. This stupid, unfair fucking wall – that I completely missed and side stepped the issue of my own self-integrity.

I read Lao Tzu’s ‘Manifested Consequence’ article again on the Desteni website, that had been conveniently circulating in my newsfeed.

The article starts foreboding:

Not that it is actually foreboding, it’s stating a simple truth. Just truth I hadn’t allowed myself to swallow completely.

But once I did take that moment to swallow it, it was actually a huge relief. It was a moment of grace.

Because I had been bashing on myself hard and long, for things I couldn’t change, things that were outside of my reach. And now, I could let them go. Now, I could focus on things I could change.

And then the fear set in.

That ‘what if I don’t have what it takes to change all the way?’

And that’s when I realized that this fear is what got me to fixate on Manifested Consequence, got me to fixate on things that I cannot change. So that I could tell myself ‘I’m working on change’ – but have no tangible results to speak for. As if writing out my homework on a computer that wasn’t even plugged in and still insist that I AM DOING MY HOMEWORK! CAN’T YOU SEE ME TYPE AWAY??

Another key point mentioned in the article, is that we ourselves exist as Manifested Consequence. We’re the result of all our past thoughts, decisions, choices, actions, inactions, acceptances and allowances – not only this lifetime – but all time. Who we are is malleable however, and we can create ourselves as a New Manifested Consequence, one by design, one through our awareness in doing, being and living that which is Best for All, in every single moment. That potential is there – but we’ve got to start with where we’re at. And unless we accept and acknowledge all of what we accepted and allowed ourselves to become, we’ll always be at war with ourselves, trying to change something from the starting point of ‘undoing’ of ‘not having it be there’ – which necessarily makes you miss exactly those lessons you need to integrate to change and prevent the same from happening again. Cause otherwise it’s not about changing your ways for the sake of being a better person, but just having that one shitty aspect of yourself out of your sight cause you can’t stand your own self-judgment.

This is where I had to step into humbleness, accept the Manifested Consequence and to change, to do my best in all areas of my life – regardless if it was going to affect this one particular point that nagged me, or not. To do it unconditionally. To do what I can to ameliorate the situation involved, but to not let it take over to the extent that it starts compromising into other areas. Cause if I don’t, I’ll just create more Manifested Consequence that I can keep feeling ashamed, guilty and regretful about and diminish myself more and more over time. And it hurts to accept it, it hurts to embrace it and acknowledge it for what it is – but I can use that hurt to drive my focus, to move me into excellence instead of whining about what cannot be undone.

Powerlessness in the Face of Correcting Mistakes

In my previous blog, I discussed my relationship with making mistakes, not wanting to see mistakes because of the level of judgment attached to ‘making mistakes’ and ‘admitting mistakes’.

This assisted me in having a clearer perspective in dealing with mistakes in the week that came after. There was more of an openness and embrace that stepped forth to be willing to look at my mistakes instead of shunning away from them.

But, as with many paths in life – when we look at a path and we see a roadblock and we take a long time to muster the courage to overcome it – we suddenly expect that everything will go ‘just fine’ and that all it took, was this one goddamn hurdle and then things will just fall into place.

But in reality, you’ll get past that roadblock to then only realise that the road ahead is muddy and you’re wearing the wrong pair of shoes! Another roadblock lol.

And then it’s soooo easy to want to give up

While yes, oftentimes, the decision to get started on something is the biggest hurdle, it by no means grants you a smooth passage forward. Just more roadblocks, in different shapes and sizes, more layers within ourselves we need to embrace and give direction. But hey, you’re a few steps forward each time, you learn something new about yourself and you let go of a false limitation and self-belief.

Anyway – there I was, face to face with my mistake – slightly proud, that I was busy correcting my pattern to then realise ‘Oh shit, just because I’m willing to see my mistakes, doesn’t mean I immediately see how to direct or correct it’. Because with this mistake, I knew that how I responded was not ideal, there was something off about how I handled it; yet at the same time – I also wasn’t quite sure what the best way forward was. There, I went a bit into a low, cause I hadn’t looked ‘that far ahead’ and had expected for things to just unfold from there. I developed a direction, that seemed best with the info I had that time – but was still a bit disappointed that facing my mistake didn’t magically manifest the correction and way forward. I still need to test things out, get feedback and finetune as I go along.

Then – there was another instance, where I did see the mistake and solution simultaneously. But I didn’t like what I saw. And suddenly I got very, very, tired. Like – ‘I-want-to-go-to-bed-at-7PM-in-the-evening’-tired (I didn’t though) and – ‘I-slept-for-8-hours-yet-I’m-still-tired-what’s-going-on’-tired.

All-day long I was walking around asking myself ‘Why am I so tired?’, ‘Are my periods coming soon, is that why I am so tired?’

Being tired of the same repetitive thought, I then re-winded in time to see where and when this tiredness had set in. And it was: when I was looking at the correction for the mistake.

I zoomed in a bit better to find that exact moment where I dropped and sank inside myself. I played it in slow-motion for myself and saw that it was in seeing the correction, yet immediately perceiving and believing myself to be completely incapable of carrying out the correction. Where – I could see the correction, yet at the same time inside myself went ‘well, that’s off the table, no point even looking at it cause there’s just no way I can do that. Other people maybe, but not me.’

Boom – powerlessness set in.

And I started losing my power / energy, slowly draining away into a dark pit of despair.

This reminded me of many previous instances when faced with mistakes, where I would go into judgment, punishment, isolation and what not.

 When you come face to face with a mistake – you can either correct it, or you don’t – on a basic, simplistic level.

What I found with myself, is that very often: I wouldn’t.

Not so much consciously, but unconsciously I would anticipate that I am not going to be able to live up to the correction so ‘why bother’.

At the same time, you can’t ‘unsee’ your mistake or ‘pretend it never happened’. That part of you that reminds you of your accountability, tells you that this mistake requires some kind of response or action. But what kind of response do you give to a mistake that you “know” you’re not going to correct?

That’s where the self-judgment or depression or some form of self-compromise – anything that makes me ‘feel bad’ and ‘make me suffer’ comes in. To show that ‘look, I am giving this mistake attention, I am looking at it and contemplating my mistake’.

All the while knowing that honestly, I wasn’t going to move on correcting it. At least not really. I’m just going to feel bad for a while, and then I’ll find a reason to feel better and then it will all be okay again.

The sad thing is, that it’s not because I don’t care that I don’t move on the correction, but because I believe I’m just not capable. I don’t care enough about myself to find out, learn, explore and develop into a capacity to carry it out – that I settle for feeling shitty. Self-Punishment being a weak substitute for correction.

More to come in my next post…

In the meantime, you can check some of these EQAFE interviews! 

Self-Judgment and Sudden Tiredness – Quantum Mind Self Awareness  (Note to self: if you don’t know why you’re tired, just run it through the EQAFE search engine)

Self-Judgment and Sudden Tiredness (Part 2) – Quantum Mind Self Awareness

Standing by Your Choices – Reptilians – Part 313

Fear of Making Mistakes & Unconditional Hate

I was listening to an old interview from Bernard the other day while doing some admin work. After the interview was done I put down my headphones, let out a big sigh and push/rolled my chair away from my desk with my feet and just kind of ‘collapsed’ in my chair.

I was feeling majorly deflated.

There was just so much information, so much information that I would have never come up myself.

It reminded me of a conversation we had just before he died, where I was pregnant and he was explaining to me all the things that were happening as the baby was developing in utero. The conversation ended with ‘Do you understand now how little you actually understand of what’s really going on?’ – with me sadly nodding in defeat, sighing ‘yes…’ (cause you knew Bernard would always demand a CLEAR YES or NO or NOT YET– nodding or ‘mmm’ is not a present, direct answer!)

I was reflecting on some of my visions and plans of the future while in this deflated state and didn’t see the point of continuing my efforts in it. ‘What’s the point? There’s so little I really understand – I’m going to be making mistakes all the time! I’m probably making huge mistakes right now and I’m not even seeing it! I’m in way over my head!’

‘That’s it then’ I was thinking ‘This is just out of my reach’.

Then I felt this veil of suppression and depression slowly moving down in my body. I went ‘waaait a minute, what’s going on here?!’

See – my logical mind went: you clearly know shit compared to Bernard. Therefore you are less, therefore you’re inadequate and incapable and therefore why even bother. Which on some level is not completely untrue. I am not equal to Bernard in his understanding and application. Equal in potential, yes sure, as are we all – but not equal in fact. And here I’m not so much talking about Bernard the person, but more Bernard as Life. I am not equal to Life, I am less than Life – that’s not a judgment, it’s a fact.

But it’s the judgment part that always gets to me. It’s the judgment part that goes ‘Shame on you for not being Life yet, shame – on – YOU!’ And it’s the fear of judgment part of me that goes ‘Don’t change, because if you change, you’re actually acknowledging that something’s wrong with you, that you’re less than, that you’re…bad!’

It’s like my head can’t wrap itself around the possibility that you can be less than – yet – not be bad. That – there MUST be some kind of value judgment involved. There MUST BE some form of condemnation. There MUST BE someone who PAYS and there MUST BE someone who WINS and gets APPRAISED.

So – I had to look at these dimensions for a moment. ‘Yes, you’re less than Bernard, no that’s not a good enough reason to be all deflated and give up on everything’.

‘But I’ll make soooo many mistakes.’ (Ok so I don’t have actual dialogues with myself lol but I present myself with ‘thought-form arguments’ and then break it down for myself, move through the information, ground it for myself to ‘get to the point’ and what the correction is – but it works well to present it in a dialogue form for the sake of sharing )

‘So what, every mistake just shows you where your misalignments are, so you can correct them.’

‘Yeah but, I bet there’s soooo many, and it’s just going to be sooo embarrassing to see them all!’

                ‘So you don’t want to go forward, because it’s going to reveal your weaknesses and where you haven’t considered all dimensions because then you’ll find out exactly how little you actually understand about reality and yourself and how much room for improvement there is’

‘Yessss, exactly!’

                ‘So you don’t want to see yourself. You don’t want to reveal YOU to YOU’.

‘No, but, but, I do, because, that’s like why I walk process’

                ‘No you don’t, cause you’re just scared and super judgey towards yourself’


See, it’s not mistakes I fear. It’s my own hell and fury that I unleash unto myself when I do see a mistake. All my attention and focus gets sucked into the fact that I made a mistake. Not – why I made a mistake or what I can learn, if it was really even a mistake or just me feeling bad about myself for some other random reason.

Later that day I was doing a Life Alignment session on myself, and one of the words that tested out was ‘Unconditional Love’.

I was looking at these words ‘Unconditional Love’ and how there’s not much of that being lived in my life. I decided to turn it around and go, if I’m not Unconditionally Loving towards myself and others – am I then just Unconditionally Hating? Kind of a point of ‘you can’t serve two masters’.

It was a bit of a comical moment when that came up. Unconditional Hate – lol. But – there’s truth in that. I give myself and others a lot of hate – and if I need to come up with a good reason, well, there is no good reason. It’s just ‘what I do’ and just ‘how I live’ – just judge here, judge there, judge some more. And it’s because there’s no reason, that it’s just so unconditional.

But if it’s unconditional then I can change it. Cause it’s just a decision. It’s just something I decided to live. I decide to unleash hell and fury unto myself when seeing mistakes. But I don’t have to. Mistakes will come and go, for sure, they’re not going away. They’re a certainty in this Life, I’m going to make mistakes and I better see them, I better reveal them so I can work at it. BUT – I don’t have to thrash myself every time, that’s totally optional. And it’s only for the love of thrashing myself, that I don’t want to see the mistakes because then I start punishing myself. And I only love thrashing myself, because on some level I decided to unconditionally hate myself. And then I don’t change – because then all the focus is on ‘how bad I am’ and ‘how am I going to make myself feel better’ and not the who, what and why of a mistake – and then the ‘not changing’ becomes even more reason for being a total bitch towards myself.

So for this week I am going to pay attention to my experiences in relation to mistakes (though I am sure this also works for pretty much any experience):

  1. Is this necessary or is this optional?
  2. Does this serve me?
  3. Is there a better way of going about this?

And report back in my blog. Let’s see if we can turn this inner bitch around!

Also check out these related interviews on


I arrived in Panama two months ago. On one of the first days I sat outside in the garden and I started to cry. Everything felt so foreign, so unfamiliar. ‘I just want to go hooomee’, I was whining inside myself while crying. I then thought of the farm we just left, the place I had called home for 10 years and was struck with a memory of one of the first days when I arrived in South Africa. I had just met Bernard and everyone else living and visiting the farm at that stage. I was in my room alone sitting on my bed, holding a pillow and I was crying. Everything felt so foreign, everything felt so unfamiliar. Bernard scared the shit out of me. What did I do? Why did I come here? I just want to go hoooomeee…’

Sitting in the garden in Panama I wiped up the last bit of tears and snot as I was going down memory lane. At least, I thought, I was feeling homesick then too – and it turned out to be one the best years of my life spent there. So at least I know I can’t use my current experience to determine my future experience of the place.

I sat a bit longer and placed my attention to my time in Belgium, where I lived before South Africa. I remembered how I was always in awe of people from other countries. How even though Belgium was my home country, my ‘motherland’ I had never quite felt at ‘home’ or as if I ‘belonged’. I didn’t particularly enjoy Belgian culture / way of life. I didn’t see myself staying in Belgium.

So if not any one particular country ever really felt like ‘home’ – and I’m feeling ‘homesick’ – am I really longing back for a place or am I longing simply for a state of being that I miss?

The ‘who I was’ – ‘while I happened to be over there’.

And yup, that was pretty much just it. I had just been missing me. With all the travel arrangements, the stress and whatnot that comes with wrapping up a life in one country and starting somewhere new – it was as if for a moment there were just so many things orbiting around myself, things to consider, things to keep track of, my reactions towards all that was happening – that I lost sight and connection with me. Everything ‘out there’ needed to be handled first and foremost.

Now that we’ve mostly settled down, I still get homesick – but now I know to use this as a reminder to check in with myself. To check where my attention and focus has been, how much of it has gone to trivial matters, how much of it has gone to reactions and patterns that could have been nipped in the bud way sooner? How comfortable am I in naturally flowing and expressing me? What’s holding me back?

In the end, this whole process we’re walking, our Journey to Life – is one big homecoming.