I often felt like my emotions, feelings and thought patterns were getting in the way of moving forward in my life. I had things I wanted to be or do but when it came to putting it into application I’d go through all these weird, undefined experiences like sirens and bells going off, and I’d literally go WTF at what was going on inside me. It’s me, its part of me, but it isnt helping me!!
It didn’t make sense to me that I couldn’t experience other things or people. It frightened we that we all have our own ‘private space’ because for me it meant that I can never trust anyone.
The world in general did not make sense to me. When I was 8 I remember thinking that this world doesn’t make sense to me. But that maybe, when I am 10 or 12 or 14 or 16 — that I will get it then. Each time when it was my birthday I grew more anxious – because shit, I still don’t get it. I’m supposed to finish school, go to college, have a family – and then what? What for?
When I was around 16 I got into conspiracy theories and later spirituality. For me, the conspiracy phase was a sort of acknowledgment that things weren’t going right in this world. That behind everything that looked normal, there was a darker side — I wasn’t just imagining that the world we lived in was not what it was supposed to be. And also, that it was other people’s fault, I could exert all my anger and blame towards some abstract elite. The spirituality phase for me was a phase of hope, that even though everything is going to shit, there is hope – and I don’t have to do much, I just have to wait for my salvation, have angelic beings and/or aliens save humanity.
These two phases represented that there was a problem and a solution, though in both cases — I was excluded from both the problem and the solution – and it always didn’t feel hmm, quite right.
Spirituality eventually had me stumble on Desteni. I liked this. I don’t have to wait. I can do things. I don’t have to wait OR hate on other people. There’s things I can do right here, right now, for myself – and in so doing for others.
For the first time in my life, things started falling into place.
While the narrative of ‘school – job – money – family’ didn’t appeal to me when I was young, I sure as hell struggled as a young adult to step away from it. Leaving my home country, family, everything I knew to visit the Desteni Farm was a big deal. It was a decision against every single thing I had learnt as what I had to do to do ‘well’ in this world. And still to this day, I struggle with the narrative I grew up, what “life” is about according to the majority vs what I know deep inside myself Life can be on this Earth.
I never thought I’d immigrate to another country.
I never thought I’d be able to love my sister, man did I hate her guts.
I never thought I could have a fulfilling relationship with another, I was too scared of being vulnerable.
I never thought I’d be capable of being a mother, kids are scary and gross.
I never thought I’d be able to overcome fears that petrified my entire body.
I never thought I’d be able to be comfortable living in a group, I worshipped isolation and privacy.
I never thought I would understand money and how it works – that shit sounds so complicated. I never thought I’d end up getting a degree in economics.
I never thought I’d be able to change by simply investigating myself, rather than being impulisve and only x many days, months, years – find out, that I could have done something otherwise.
I never thought I’d still be here – I used to never finish what I started.
When I go through my trials and tribulations and everything seems to be going wrong – and I am just about to give up — I remind myself of my decision to walk this process. That life on Earth can be more. That I can be more – and that I owe it to myself to find out, how far I can grow and expand. Otherwise, I will never be satisfied and live in regret.