Fear of Intimacy – Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear intimacy within myself and another as myself within the fear of rejection and disapproval

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear intimacy within myself and another as myself – towards and within both aspects of me, as that which I admire and approve of within myself that I see are serving me and others as myself — as well as those aspects that I know are not benefiting me and others, and need to change. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to acknowledge that within me, that I see as beneficial to myself and others, within the fear that another will not agree and within this fear me doubting myself and taking this part of me and disregarding it – where I believe and perceive that another’s perspective / feedback trumps my own and that it does not matter if I see myself as those aspects, if another does not agree / validate what I see I throw it all out of the window and succumb to defeat and powerlessness within the experience of ‘not being seen’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear intimacy within myself and with another as myself where I believe and perceive that if I share those aspects of me that I know are not beneficial and do not yet honour myself and others as what is best for All Life – that I will be defined and labelled by those aspects only, where I am seen by others, as well as myself as ‘only these aspects’ and ‘only these dimensions’ – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined and so diminished others based on aspects of themselves that either came through in living or in direct sharing, where within my own lack of understanding, patience and caring – rather quickly slapped a label on someone so that I ‘know who and how to be around them’, as a form of abdicating self-responsibility as walking and interacting with another moment by moment – because it’s ‘easier’ to label them and act from this knowledge and information to base my decisions and interactions, instead of moving myself into the substance of the moment, the substance of me, the substance of them – to be really HERE and so really HEAR myself and another. Within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that casting any judgment – on myself or another as myself – is an act of defeat, is a decision that ‘I cannot be more, nor can you – so let’s not bother – let’s just place one another in a box and run on automatic pilot while being on a consciousness buzz / high’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if something is seen by me and not everyone else, where if even just one person disagrees, I believe that their stance and perspective obliterates my existence, where I then go into an experience of WANTING and NEEDING validation to cast away my own self doubt

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I need to be okay with my own independent assessment and seeing – where I can use other’s feedback as a point of cross reference, where it’s not about accepting or rejecting what another says, but to take my own and another’s perspective / feedback and use discernment as to what applies to me and what not, to apply and live both self-humbleness and self-assurance – lol – which can exist and co-exist with one another in the same space, where I accept and allow myself to evaluate myself humbly for anything that may need / require some aligning but to at the same time stand and hold my own self integrity, that I know who I am and what I act / live out in certain moments and to not allow myself to ‘collapse’ under feedback or perspective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking / sharing my current inner-reality ‘as is’ – as ‘this is what is here for me’ without judging or embellishing it within the fear that another will go into either judgment or embellishment, turn my words into ‘something that it’s not’ and then have this mutated / warped version used and applied towards myself ‘as fact’ – where I rather protect and defend my inner reality as ‘what is here for me’ and forgo the opportunity for outside perspective and expansion out of fear of being misunderstood or using my sharing as collateral for a later date when it’s needed to have some ‘ammo’ to ‘put me back in my place’

Within this – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to either ‘pre-judge’ or ‘pre-embellish’ what I share as my point of intimacy to implicitly show ‘here’s what’s going on with me, and don’t worry I’ve already judged, punished and beaten myself down for it, I’ve already taken care of that part so you don’t have to do it’ – within the anticipation that I will get judged, I will be rejected, I will be outcasted and to alternatively share myself with pre-embellishment as to make myself feel better and to lift my spirits to make things ‘not look so bad’ and ‘what’s here for me is really not that serious’ – to show another that ‘what I am sharing is no big deal’ out of fear that they will shift their mood from being positive or neutral to one of more seriousness and depth, a fear and anticipation that ‘they will be bothered’ and also gives me license to not look at the point seriously, skim over it, it’s not that bad, doesn’t really require any attention for me to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing my intimacy, my into me I see as what I see is currently here for me with another – where I am already within a dimension of judgment towards myself as what I see is here for me, and within that, do not want to share my intimacy with another out of fear that they will give me their judgment as well, where I fear my judgment + their judgment – where I’m now facing judgment within and without – where there’s now judgment within two or more in the name of Consciousness where I find myself standing in the face of a Colossus as our judgments twine together and grow to another level, where I just want to avoid and get away from this entity creeping in, which given, was already there and now just got enhanced, highlighted and amplified – where I don’t even want to address or bother to continue sharing my initial point, because the Judgment Colossus takes over and overpowers, overshadows everything

Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am then never dealing with a point in Isolation, but working with ‘the point’ + ‘my relationship to the point’ (= positive or negative judgment) and that I am going to have to be okay in working and addressing both simultaneously – and not allow the dimension or layer of judgment to hold me back as an excuse from looking and / or sharing something

In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that ‘another possibly judging me’ is not always valid reason to not share / express myself (have to use some discernment still as to who and where I share with) – as I see, realise and understand that when my judgment meets another’s judgment, the friction, the energy compounds – the conflict reaches a peak, and in a sense is easier to see the ridicule, the irrationality of the judgment itself once it’s blown up ‘out of proportion’ – where it’s not even out of proportion, but blown up to a level where I can really see what I am doing to myself, where I really see what I am accepting and allowing within this, where it’s easier to stop tolerating my own bullshit and move myself into a more sound stance within myself, where my own self judgment exists on a level of nagging which I can tolerate, but when paired and combined with another’s judgment it expands into bullying and bulldozing where I am now given the opportunity to awaken and ask myself : Is this really what I want? Cause this is the signature I am accepting, and it’s just a matter of scale

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I do not fear intimacy and intimate sharing as such, but fear everything I’ve connected, built and created ‘around it’

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s